Sora, You Don't Eat People!
by Muffinkichi
Summary: Leon has temporarily killed Cloud of (love) rage and Riku and Sora learn about the birds and the bees in Merlin's House! Only Ansem and his corrupted mind can save the day! Beware, this fic is full of unnatural yaoi relationships. (Discontinued)
1. Strange Beings on Destiny Islands

Chapter One: Strange Beings on Destiny Islands

Disclaimer: I own Kingdom Hearts!!! *Gets chased by lawyers with scary suitcases*. Fine, I don't own KH. But I own Riku! And he is MINE!!! *Shoots everyone until they all go to heaven* Hey lookie, angels…

This is my new fanfic which will probably scare all ::normal:: people who have ever played Kingdom Hearts. I warn ya: it's HELLA SCARY! If you start seeing all the KH characters, in a different light, blame the sugar rock candy.

And my gerbil.

…

I don't have a gerbil.

****

"IIIIIIII'm too sexy for the tank top~!!! Too sexy for the leather gloves~!!! Too sexy for the funky pants~!!!" This was what Riku sang everyday while visiting his small closet. He wore his normal attire anyway because that was the only thing he owned. Just goes to show ya how much Disney paid Riku to appear in Kingdom Hearts.

Riku slid down the stairs just as his mother was pouring syrup on Riku's flapjacks. "Good morning my sexy!" was his mother's greeting to her son as he started stuffing his face with pancakes. She kissed her son on the forehead. What seemed to be an innocent kiss turned all nasty. Riku was left with a big slobber mark on his head. This day seemed so peaceful.

"Mm! Mom! This is so good! What flavor is this syrup?" Riku asked with food still in his mouth.

"Human intestines with liver, dear," said Riku's mom pleasantly. "Like it?" Riku nodded senselessly, still stuffing his beautiful face. 

Human body parts as food were very common in Destiny Islands. In general, there is no food on an island. Only papou fruits and teeny weeny fish were the only thing considered regular food on DI. Since those were not enough to support the diet of all the people living on the island, the islanders had to adopt cannibalism. Sickening thought, ne? Too bad! I eat humans, too! O.o;;

"I'm going!" Riku yelled over his shoulders as he left his house not on the islands-but-not-mainland-so-it-is-basically-floating-out-of-nowhere.

"Wait, Riku. Your father and I have something to tell you." Riku stopped and turned around with his pretty silver bangs barely covering his eyes. His father popped out of nowhere to join this very short scene.

"Riku…y-you're adopted," said his mother. There was a moment of tense silence

"Okay! Bye-bye!" Riku ran off happily, leaving his supposed parents in a confused heap.

~

Sora chewed on a piece of a fried human finger. He kicked at the sand near his feet. _Riku is late again._

He spit the fingernail out. _Riku is always late_. Sora gagged on some tough meaty part of the knuckle.

Sora and Riku were best friends, if not anything beyond (^__^;;). Sora was the younger one, and he always looked up to Riku like an older brother, if not anything beyond. And they have always enjoyed each other's presence ,if not any-(Audience: SHUT UP!!!)..

After throwing the rest of the finger to some piranhas, Sora looked into the water. The reflection looked back at him. He tried making funny faces. He imitated Tidus's 'cute' look. He also imitated Selphie's look when Sora literally kicked her ass in a fight. When he tried imitating Wakka's face taking a dump, another face appeared right next to him in the water.

"Wa~!" Sora leaped back with fright. The other face that had appeared was Riku's reflection. Riku thought Sora was looking at something in the water so peered in for a closer look.

"Dude, what was that?" Riku asked him slightly leaping away from Sora's side. "Were you trying to take a dump? If so, I'll leave you your privacy." Riku barely dodged Sora's playful punch as he finished that sentence.

"Riku! Where the hell were you?!" Sora tried changing the subject. Riku saw this and grinned.

"Guess what my parents told me?" said Riku as he sat on a heavily damaged barrel.

"What? That you were adopted?" Sora asked innocently. Riku looked at Sora with surprise. Most of the time, Sora was not perceptive and usually very blunt. Riku, for a moment, considered the fact that Sora was psychic.

"H-How did you know?" Riku asked, stuttering as Sora sat on the barrel.

"Well, I'm adopted too!" said Sora. "YAY! WE ARE ALL ADOPTED!" He hugged the poor 15-year-old (in a friendly way…NOT!). 

Then it hit Riku: Sora had no idea what "adopted" meant.

Ever since then, Riku never doubted the fact that Sora was a total idiot. 

~

Sora and Riku were fighting on the ::Riku's:: island as usual. This time, they used the fronds of the palm trees to make weird looking hoods that were actually intended to be costumes. 

"Yaaa~!" Sora started to do his annoying combo on Riku, missing his target every time. "Take this, you evil, evil..,evil..," Sora's lack of vocabulary caused both him and Riku to stop *play-fighting*.

"Villian?" Riku's tone was almost teasing.

"Yeah! My bad!" Sora resumed his attack position, only to return to his standing stance. "Uh, Riku? What's a vee-lee-ian?" Riku sighed. Before leaving the island, Riku was going to have to teach Sora some English.

A red-haired girl whose head was bigger than her body watching them (err, Sora) with a certain lust. "Hey! What are you guys doing?! Am I the only one helping with the raft?! You guys make me feel like a loner!" 

Kairi threw down the small pieces of wood and torn cloth and sat down like a spoiled little child and pouted. Obviously she was doing the impression called "Sora's Pout", but for her excessively large face, it did not look half as appealing as the original beholder. She wailed loudly and very falsely. Sora, with his natural helping abilities, tried to please Kairi. 

"Hey, Kairi. I'm sorry. I'll get the items for the raft that you need. Okay?" Within seconds, Kairi glomped the unsuspecting Sora. Riku's eyebrows flinched just a little, but the expression on his face was still the same.

"We'll find the items, _together_," something in that tone of voice Kairi used gave Sora the chillies.

"Um…maybe later!" Sora ran off, screaming like the little girl he was. 

Kairi giggled. O.O;;

~

Sora sat on his bed wondering why whenever he was with Riku, Kairi would be all angry. Being a nice guy, he wanted everyone to be happy with him. He looked outside his window. He could see the island very clearly. Whenever Sora was at the island at daylight, it always seemed happy and jolly. But at night, the island seemed like a completely foreign land. Maybe even _mysterious_. 

Sora looked out again. The island seemed to be covered in more darkness than usual. It was the signs of a storm coming. Lightning struck.

"Cool!" went Sora. He was about to lie back and sleep until he remembered something.

"My sword! My sword!" Sora cried. "I need it! Now!" Sora kicked open his window, scattering glass all over his room ("Yay!") and swam all the way to the island.

"Sora? Yummy human hamstrings and thighs are ready! Sora?" His mother's voice was heard.

~

Skipping to the part where Sora meets Riku…

"But Riku! I can't leave my sword here!" yelled Sora.

"You're sword is coming with us (O.o;; Riku should watch what he's saying)!" Riku did a nifty hand swiper motion. He took on the expressionless form again. "I'm not afraid of the darkness." 

As soon as he finished his sentence, Riku held his hand out. Sora, being an inch too short, could not reach his friends hand. He tried and tried, but could not reach. 

"Riku!" yelled Sora as his best friend disappeared with the darkness. Sora looked down. He hadn't noticed the darkness reaching to him. He fought against it and fought, but he could not win this battle. As the darkness almost engulfed Sora, it started diminishing. Sora wondered why, and looked up. A huge, shiny object fell on his head, knocking him out cold.

~

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH~!" Sora yelled as he felt something gently tickling his area. It stopped.

"Ooh! Aren't you a lively one?" said an annoying voice, almost equivalent to Kairi's. "I'm gonna have a LOT of fun with you!"

"Cut the crap out, Yuffie." said a dark, rich voice. "He's only a minor…"

Sora got up quickly. He was in a red room with candles burning brightly. The whole atmosphere of the room kinda felt sleazy. He looked up to see a young girl with her pants not buttoned on right and a man whose face made Sora blush for no apparent reason.

"W-Who are you guys?" asked Sora. This was definitely NOT Destiny Islands.

"Me? Well, I'm the Great Ninja (and seducer) Yuffie!" The girl obviously seemed proud of herself. She nudged towards the handsome young man's side. "And that's Squall Leonhart!"

"It's Leon, Yuffie," said the man in an annoyed tone.

"Right, Leon Leonhart!" Squall.., er, Leon twitched his eyebrows. He was on his last nerves.

Sora looked around. He grabbed something hard and picked it up. It wasn't his sword, but a giant key…

"Hey! Where's my sword?!" asked Sora in a worrying tone. 

"THERE'S YOUR SWORD!" Yuffie pointed at Sora's um, THING. With a flash of light, Yuffie's right arm was completely cut off (Sora: Food!) by none other than Leon himself. Yuffie didn't seem to notice the quarts of blood squirting out of her shoulders.

Sora was confused. "T-Then, where am I?"

Yuffie smiled. "You are in the Town of Booze!"

****

Town of Booze aka Traverse Town.

O.o;; I thought this chapter would never end. Oh well, I had to summarize up the minor parts quickly. I hoped you guys liked it! Please review!


	2. Welcome to Town of Booze!

Chapter Two: Welcome to Town of Booze!

I just realized how unappealing the title of this story is. But I guess it is okay since there is going to be lots of alcoholic and drug abuse later on. O.o;; Maybe this should have been rated R…Oh wellz, it turned out that way so, too bad.

God, I hate Yuffie. She is the most annoying bitch in the goddamn world. The third time I played FFVII, I didn't even bother to find her in the forest. Stupid friggin ninja woman. But other than Yuffie, there is someone else in FFVII I despise even more dearly with my life…

****

"Ah…, I must have hit my head on something…," muttered Riku as he tripped over something and slammed his lovely face into the wall. The thing he tripped over was someone's smelly brown boots. The person seemed to have deliberately stuck out their shoes in order to trip Riku. 

As Riku angrily turned to confront that person, the stranger grabbed Riku and covered his mouth. Riku was frustrated and shoved the person in order to get away. The stranger retreated but then came back at Riku again.

"HELP! CHILD MOLESTERER!!! I'M BEING RAPED!!! SOMEONE SAVE ME!!!" Riku yelled at the top of his lungs. But he knew yelling was futile. 

Molesterers in these days, especially in Destiny Islands, were very common. People needed to fulfill their "personal" desires but not having TOO much adults around on the islands, the rapists had to live off on poor children. Riku, being the beautiful boy he was, was usually the main target for them (especially male ones x.x). Poor guy O_o;;.

Feeling that just physical restraints were impossible to stop Riku from screaming, the stranger took out a long rod from their hood. The person leaped out like a frog on crack and hit Riku on the head, making an unusually familiar sound.

KONK! 

Riku fainted almost immediately and the stranger dragged the body over to a shady place for god knows what reasons. O.o

Let's hope Riku wasn't right about what he yelled.

~

Sora looked in the mirror. He was dead tired. And his hair showed it, too. His usually spiky and gravity-defying hair was now drooping like he got soaked or something. Sora was taken aback by how long his hair actually was when he wasn't using 20 pounds of gel. He played with his hair and giggled when he made it look like Riku's. -_-;;

"HEY! Who the hell in the world is using the bathroom this long?!" A gruff voice boomed from outside the bathroom. Sora quickly used the public hair gel (named "Booze Gel" ) to put his hair up to his original spikiness and ran out of the bathroom. A man in his late forties with a cigarette in the corner of his mouth that would never fall off and a barrel for a belt walked in, grumbling as he went. 

Sora wandered why a person would wear a barrel for a belt. When the man came out of the bathroom twenty minutes later, Sora went back in to get some more hair gel for later use but came bounding back out for a malodorous smell was filling up the room.

Sora now knew why the man wore a barrel for a belt.

~

Riku was in some kind of a reminiscing trance. He remembered Destiny Islands, how nice everything was there. An island utopia. He also remembered faces; Selphie's infatuated face, Tidus's adoring face, and Wakka's pure-jealousy face. And then, he remembered Sora. Yes, Sora, his true love. Sora smiled his stoned smile until the tranquil scene broke apart with Kairi's goddamned in the middle of it. 

Riku felt something poke at his eyes. He tried batting the thing away, but it was persistent. Why the hell was it bothering him?

"Argh!" Riku yelled and got up from his stupor to see what in the world was bothering him so much. It was.., a woman. A woman had been poking at his eyes for some time now. 

She wasn't a very pretty sight, or maybe it was the pink. Actually, it was both. She had several giant PINK ribbons tied to her brown hair as if that could hide the battered condition of her locks. Her badly arranged set of PINK clothes and PINK accessories scared the living crap out of Riku. Everything was all sickingly PINK. The only thing that didn't that wasn't painful to look at her was her eyes. They were almost like emeralds. Riku decided that in order to stop giving himself an eye sore, he would have to look at her eyes, only.

The pink woman smiled. "Well, hello there. I am Aerith, the last surviving member of the Cetra," she said it as if being the last Cetra was a great honor. Well, NO ONE CARES YOU SLUT. 

It is time to notify the audiences my great amount of hatred for the godamn Ancient. I DON'T LIKE HER. The Squaresoft people must have noticed the great amount of hate letters and complaints about "Aeris" from FFVII so they decided to change her name to "Aerith" in Kingdom Hearts. It didn't really matter if they changed the name or not, because people from all over the world hated her still the same. YES! AERITH HATE WORLDWIDE!!!

"I just wanted to ask you,," she said, "how you get that wonderful shade of green in your eyes. Where did you purchase your color contacts?" Riku shuddered at the hideousness of her voice which AWFULLY reminded him of a stupid AMERICAN POP SINGER that won NO awards for being a music artist but only for being in a corny romantic movie. He shook off that horrible thought before answering the offensive question.

"I don't use contacts. This is my natural eye color," Riku had heard this question so many times before. Yes, he did admit he had really beautiful green-but-sometimes-blue eyes, but he hated it when someone thought they were color contacts. He scowled for it was the 56th time someone asked.

"Ohh, I thought they were color contacts, like mine," she took off her eyes (not really, just the contacts) and showed it to Riku. He FREAKED out at seeing the eye just come off (watching someone else take off their contacts is really freaky). He dared not look into the true color of Aerith's eyes. Aerith put her "eye" back in.

"Umm, do you know a person named Sora? If so, can you tell me where he is?" Riku asked.

"No, I have never heard of a person named Sora," she said, truthfully. Riku sighed. He really wanted to see Sora, but he didn't think it would be possible now. He scanned the room he was in. It was basically yellow, but it was called Green Room. At one corner of the room, he saw a long rod. A rod?

"Ah!" Riku screamed. Long Rod - Molester - Ugly Pink Woman - Aerith. Riku could not possibly accept this fact. He excused himself to the bathroom to hurl his guts out. Poor baby…

~

Sora wandered around town. Everyone in town looked at him strangely. Not only was Sora dressed much more differently than the town people, he was also carrying a giant key. He hated carrying it around but he had no choice.

Sora was starting to get bored until he noticed a person with blue-silver hair. No, it couldn't be, but it is! 

"RIKUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu~!!!" Sora yelled as he started running to his friend at 800 mph. Riku turned around and literally got tackled by his sugar-high friend.

"Sora! I was looking for you!" Riku seemed much more happier than usual. They embraced each other. The townspeople awwed as the best friends huggled. But what started out as a innocent hug became a make out session. Now, the townspeople shook head their heads in shame. Riku was just about to slide his tongue into Sora's throat when he heard a very squeaky voice.

"SORA! I FOUND YOU!" Sora took his time licking the last of Riku's mouth (o_o) before turning his head towards the voice. 

It was Kairi.

****

I simply loved describing Aerith! ^__^ It was sho fun. Why I hate her is more of a personal reason now. Stupid, PINK! Argh! LOL. I don't really like Mandy Moore either. She made Aerith sound too young. Please read and review! Or Sora x Riku will not be continued (which some anti-yaoi peoples would want). Flames are very welcome!


	3. Cloud Come Home

Chapter Three: Cloud Come Home  
  
Hello, hello. I took some time, ne? ^_^;;. Anyway, I had the strangest thoughts about who Sora's parents might be! It's a bit sickening, but enjoy. XD  
  
****  
  
"Sora~! I found you!" said Kairi with her fricken squeaky voice. She took one look at what kind of position Sora and Riku were in and gasped. She moved her mouth but no sound would come out.  
  
"No..," Kairi managed to whisper. "N-No, this can't be…" After taking three steps back, she buried her face in her hands, crying miserably and ran out of town (which is space O_o) with her two elephants killing/stomping many innocent bystanders.  
  
Sora and Riku watched the blood of the townspeople who were crushed seep through the orange floor. Ahh, so that's how the Town of Booze had such reddish color! What a discovery!  
  
Sora looked at Riku. "You taste really good." Riku blushed like a tomato on fire. Sora said a COMPLIMENT to Riku! Riku's small collection of hormones started kicking in. *_*  
  
Sora continued. "But you know," he backed away a bit and looked up, "I don't think friends should eat each other." He suddenly grabbed his stomach. "Ooh! Nature calls! See ya Riku!" and Sora went to the stinky restroom.  
  
Riku blankly stared at where Sora was standing. He licked his lips.   
  
Sora didn't taste all that bad either.  
  
~  
  
At the sleazy hotel, Aerith was bandaging up Yuffie's mutilated right arm. Leon (Squally-san) was just staring outside the window. He was deep in thought.  
  
"Do you think he'll ever come back?" Leon asked.   
  
Yuffie stupidly asked. "Who Squall?! Who's gonna come back?!" Aerith almost killed herself trying to stop the enraged Leon from cutting off another one of Yuffie's arm.   
  
"I didn't ask you, stupid ninja woman! And it's *Leon*!" He hated Yuffie. So did the authoress.   
  
Leon sighed and went back to staring outside the window. What in the world was he thinking about? Aerith wondered. She tried thinking, but she did not have enough brainpower (or had none) to do so.  
  
She gasped. It was-  
  
"Cloud." Aerith fainted. While falling, she broke a vase.  
  
"@#$% you Aerith!!!" Leon yelled. He grumbled as he took out his wallet and paid the hotel manager for the broken vase.   
  
~  
  
"Uh, gawrsh Donald, what were we supposed to be looking for again?" A biped dog asked. He seemed to have some speech problems.  
  
A duckie turned around and did a 'blidder-bladder' sound, as if in disbelief. "Goofy! I told you a million times already! A person with a key blade!" Donald shook his head. Why did he have to be stuck with an idiot of a partner? And he thought dogs were supposed to be smart. The duck grumbled and the dog just scratched his head.   
  
They continued walking until Goofy fell down the stairs and cracked open his skull.  
  
~  
  
"Ah~, that was a good one!" said Sora after coming out of the bathroom. People near the restroom had to hold their noses or run to the next district for a breath of fresh air. Some even fainted. Sora watched with interest as a ring of unconscious people formed around him. He smiled sheepishly.  
  
Sora had just started walking when he saw people make way for someone. At first, he stupidly thought it was him, but it was actually a person with a shroud of darkness around him. The mysterious person was none other than…Cloud!  
  
"Hello!" Sora greeted the stranger with his puberty-ish voice. The man turned gracefully, his rugged cloak swirling behind him. The bottom half of his face was covered, revealing his beautiful sapphire-like eyes. His hair was gravity-defying.   
  
"Who are you?" the man asked.  
  
"I'm Sora! What's your name?"   
  
"Cloud."  
  
"Wow! Your name is Cloud? That's weird! My name means sky! And cloud and sky go together! Get it?!" went Sora.  
  
"…" was the man's reply.  
  
"You don't get it? Okay. Let me explain it to you. You see cloud are in the sk-" Sora was interrupted by Cloud. He had a sudden interest in Sora's key blade.  
  
"Is that your weapon? A key?" Cloud asked. Sora looked at his forgotten key blade.   
  
"Yep! This heavy key is my weapon! I used to have a sword, but now I can't find it. So I'm searching for it," said Sora.  
  
"B-but, your sword is right there..," Cloud said and pointed *innocently*.  
  
"Cloud~!" said a voice. Both Cloud and Sora turned. It was Leon, and the bishie looked really angry. "Cloud, how could you-" Leon was cut off by the ninja girl, Yuffie.  
  
"CLOUD! WELCOME BACK!" she yelled. "Yay! Cloud's back! Let's all have a party!" Everybody in town cheered. The children were especially happy for parties in Town of Booze meant drinking was allowed for the underage. Leon growled and gave the glare of death at Yuffie. She didn't seem to care for everyone was all excited about the party.  
  
The next day, Yuffie was mysteriously killed and dismembered.  
  
****  
  
Yay that was so boring! ^_^;;   
  
You guys have no idea how much I hate Leon x Yuffie fics. Man, Squally is too GOOD for her! And what's even worse, Sora x Kairi fics. *Shiver, shudder, quiver, and other actions that indicate pure terrorism*. In general, I hate Kairi. She reminds me of Hikari Kamiya from Digimon! Blah~ I hate both of them. They deserve a vacation to HELL. HAHAHAHA! 


	4. Flowers in the Sewers

Chapter Four: Flowers in the Sewers

Minna-san, thanks for being so kind and giving nice compliments to this weird fic! ^_^;; I don't deserve all these nice reviews…

THIS STORY HAS NO PLOT! BUT I WILL CONTINUE ON!

MUHAHAHAHAHA! EXPECT MORE KAIRI BASHING!!!!

****

Sora feasted upon a neatly sliced pile of human limbs he found in a little sack above the church, er, Gizmo Shop. This fic must stay off any religious affiliation.

"Yech!" Sora screamed. "I hate chewy stuff!" He threw the arm away. It bounced along the sidewalk as a dog resembling Pluto in every detail chased after the bouncy arm. The hand of the arm held a shuriken.

"I want Riku…," Sora muttered. Food wise, you nasty yaoi pervs! Riku was an excellent cook next to the fact that Sora found him quite tasty. O.o;;

"Gah…, I'm hungry," Sora said. He got up in search of food again.

~

The puny redhead was in a huge castle. She looked around and sat down on her insanely short mini skirt.

"Grr.., that Riku stole my Sora! MY SORA!" Kairi exclaimed. She slammed the ground with her teeny fists. She had not noticed she actually slammed it into a rattlesnake. It bit her.

"OWWIEE! WHY THE @#$%^&* IN THE WORLD DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?!" She checked her right hand and kissed it oh-so-lovingly. It was starting to turn purple. She grabbed the poor snake with her teeth and furiously ripped it apart like a shark would do with its fishie victim. And then she ate it.

"My dear child," said a cold voice, "is something bothering you?"

"Yeah, you." said Kairi brusquely.

"….Well, no need to be rude, after all, I see that you are seeking something…," said the cold voice.

"I'm not seeking anything, you 'turd. I'm trying to find a way to kill Riku so Sora can be mine forever!!!" Kairi then tried imitating an evil laugh, and by doing so broke two of the stain glass windows.

"Ohh, please do not break any more windows! They cost me a fortune..," the voice had now turned into a person, or a mage like thing. It was Maleficient. The witch bent down and wept over her broken shards of glass.

"My dear, I will help you kill that certain person if you promise not to break anymore of my windows," Maleficient said.

"Fine. BUT I GET TO REMAIN VIOLENT. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~!" Kairi ran across the castle with her zombie-like ways until crashing into one of the poles supporting the upper floor. She fainted with a cross-shaped bump on her head.

"Strange child…"

~

This is porno. 

"Cloud, we have to!"

"No Leon.., not now."

"Cloud, please!"

"…Fine…" 

You sickos, you believed me! XD.

Cloud got up from the moth-eaten couch and picked up his sword (metal -_-;;). He looked at the Leon for a moment and turned away. Leon's cold eyes followed Cloud all the way out of the room. Wow! What yaoi lust! ^_^;; The authoress begged for mercy as Leon x Yuffie fans pelted her with teletubby dolls.

Cloud managed to get his humongo sword (metal! _) out of the room and headed where the dirty sewers were. He had a feeling someone would be there.

It's getting boring. TIME FOR AERITH BASHING!!! .

"Flowers! Flowers for 1 munny (I'm presuming 1 gil = 1 munny)! Only 1 munny!" Aerith was trying her best to sell her mako-poisoned, sickly, nasty, rotting PINK flowers, but no one in this town bought it (because the author oppressed them to do so). After 40 minutes of shouting, she gave up and left the district, going back to her garden to find flowers which had less than twenty rotting spots. But near her flowers she found someone, or something suspicious.

"Cloud!" Aerith cried, running to her beloved. She likewise "glomped" him. Aerith thought Cloud felt awfully skinny. And thus, she crushed 'Cloud' with her weight.

"Um…, GET OFF!" yelled the person beneath Aerith. Aerith clumsily got up, and saw that the person she hugged was not Cloud, but almost a look-alike.

"Ohh, I'm sorry. I thought you were Cloud!" Aerith exclaimed.

"What? Oh, you mean the guy with the big sword?" Aerith gasped. How would this little boy know the size of Cloud's 'sword'?! She hasn't even seen it herself!

"Y-You mean Cloud showed you his 's-sword'?" Aerith stuttered. Surely, Cloud wouldn't abandon this *pretty* flower girl for a skinny frail boy like him!

"Yep! He showed it to me! I really wonder how he goes around, carrying that giant thing!" The boy loudly exclaimed. Aerith sighed.

"So, what are you doing here in the sewers?" Aerith asked the boy. 

"Well, I fell down the sewer place and I was looking at the flowers and I couldn't find the way out and I needed to go to the bathroom and I was trapped and so I-" 

"Whoa, whoa. Enough run-on sentences. Say it a bit louder please, I'm a bit deaf in the right ear…," before finishing her sentence, she looked at her flowers and nearly died. The flowers were either soggy or trampled. Some even had a nasty looking brown substance on them that although no one admits it, they have done it many times in their lives. Simply put, poop.

"YOU CRAZY BOY! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY FLOWERS?!" Aerith screamed, completely out-of-character.

"Well, you didn't let me finish my sentence, so well-" Sora looked at the flowers. "Wow! I never knew you had brown flowers before!" 

Aerith would have either strangled the kid to death or knocked him silly with her stupid Princess Guard (in which didn't describe her outward appearance or personality at the least) but the boy resembled Cloud so much, she dared not. But he looked SO much like Cloud. Aerith started getting nasty thoughts. NO SORA! RUN AWAY FROM THE EVIL CHILD MOLESTERER!

Right before Aerith was about to stuff Sora in a potato sack and take him home for unknown reasons, there was a loud splash. 

"Aah, @#$%^&* thing!" Cloud was the victim of the slippery way down to the sewers. 

"Cloud!" Aerith squealed like the little school girl she wasn't and glomped the poor guy. Cloud only managed to hold her weight with the help of his sword (metal X3).

"A-Aerith? What are you doing here?" Cloud asked, trembling from being unable to sustain the tremendous weight suddenly put on him. Aerith finally got off and replied.

"I'm raising flowers here, see?" Aerith put out her hand to show her the *nice* arrangement of moldy pink and brown flowers. Cloud raised an eyebrow.

"Flowers…, in a _sewer_?" One could have swore they saw hints of grimace on Cloud's face, but then again, being in a sewer didn't exactly promise a pleasing disposition. 

"Aerith, sorry to say this, but I need you to leave," Cloud said. 

"Ok, _honey_!" Aerith replied. Before leaving, she blew Cloud a kiss. Cloud managed to dodge the floating kiss but it landed in the wall behind him and burnt a nasty-looking hole through the cement. Cloud was glad he dodged the acidic kiss. He looked at the happy-go-lucky Sora.

"Sora, I have something to tell you," Cloud said, a bit of stuttering in his voice. "I-I'm your father."

Sora just grinned on like the cute idiot he was.

****

Wow, that was a lot of Aerith bashing in one chappie. LOL. So Cloud is Sora's daddie? ::Gasps:: Who's the *mother*? ::Gasps:: When will the actual party ever start? ::Gasps:: I am hungry?

It's 12:52 AM. @_@. Nighty-night everyone.

And Happy New Year!!! ^_^


	5. One Winged Angel Crisis

Chapter Five: One Winged Angel Crisis

I have gotten my first flame. Yay! From "Flame thrower" whose name obviously suggest that he or she throws flames. Y~eah. This is what they wrote: 

WHAT THE HOLY HELL AND FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! SEXIST BASTARD!!!!!!!!!

First of all, no one actually forces you to review, or even read this fiction. I'm sure I've already warned people in the first chapter that this might be a wee bit nutty. Second of all, holy and hell are oxymoron, thus, they cancel each other out, reducing your intended emphasis on how insane this story is to zero. And 'what's wrong with me'? Gee, I don't know, go ask my psychologist. Last, but not the least, how am I a sexist in this fic? I've done some nasty perverted things to the characters, yes, but I never discriminated against woman, or any sex for that matter. Don't use words you don't know. It gives you a stupid image. 

Flamethrower, go get yourself a dictionary before you seriously hurt yourself. O_o;;

I'm in one of my better moods so I didn't exactly pummel this guy. Be warned flaming folks, I always retaliate damage. ::Sends evil grin::

Anyway, ooh! I finished Kingdom Hearts! ::Smiles, obviously proud of herself:: The only thing I forgot to do for the secret movie was to collect all the Dalmatian puppies. Ah.., me am big dolt. XD. But what the hell, I beat Sephiroth!!! ::Cheers, only to be followed by an enraged Sephy with his giant Masamune::

I thought I killed him in my other fic!!! O_O;;

****

"Kairi, I have gotten another person to help you kill Riku," Maleficient smiled EVILLY as she opened the door to the room for that someone to enter. A man with white hair entered in…, halfway. He got stuck.

"Darkness will conq-- Mwaaaaaaaaaargh! What happened?!!" It was Ansem, the previous ruler of Hollow Bastion. While entering through the door, the poor guy must have been stuck by stupid little Darkness pet on his back. 

The door was just too small for both of them to fit in. 

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeh! I can't get out! I'm stuck!!! Heeeeeeelp me!" The mage grasped out desperately towards Maleficient and the redhead brat, but they just stared at him for his stupidity.

"Dumbass! Go through it SIDEWAYS!" Kairi yelled and at once, Ansem stopped.

"I knew that!!!" The man muttered strange curses as he backed out of the door, turned sideways, and sidestepped in. 

He got stuck. Again. 

"Waaaaaa~! I'm can't get throuuuuuuugh!!!" Ansem started to cry. He was caught again, simply for the fact the dark creature behind his back was the same in length all ways. 

"Stupid Darkie!" Ansem yelled. From knowing Ansem's odd speech, Maleficient and Kairi presumed it was the name for the weird chaos like thing on his back. And all of a sudden, *Darkie* spoke in such a tone that made the land of Hollow Bastion (yeah, they're in HB) tremble. 

"ANSEM YOU FICKLE MAN. YOU GIVE UP YOUR HEART TO DARKNESS TO HAVE SOME YAOI BLANKET FUN AND THIS IS WHAT I GET?! YOU DON'T DESERVE ME!" after that, Darkie bashed his head into Ansem's and broke the doorway while propelling forward.

"Gasp! I got through the door! Eeh! Thank the Lor- I mean, DARKNESS! Yes! Darkness!" Ansem squealed in joy while kissing the ground to show darkness how *grateful* he was. 

Kairi looked at Maleficient. "Be sure to steam vacuum the floor twice today."

~

"What is a 'father'?" Sora asked. Cloud was taken aback by Sora's limited knowledge and explained.

"Well, a father is the male part of parents."

"Then.., where's the female part?" Cloud looked away as another voice replied.

"I'm afraid there is none," said a deep, creamy voice, "because we're your parents." The person stepped out of the darkness of the sewers. It was Leon. 

Squally Fangirls: EWE! How can Cloud and Leon-san have a baby?! They're guys!

Authoress: Quiet! This is my sick imagination so back off! KUMAGORO BEAM!!!!! ::Kills the poor fans::

Eh heh heh. Excuse the silly little Squall fan girls. Back to the story. ^_^;;

"Huh? Guys can have babies?" Sora asked bluntly. "Cool! I want a baby with Riku!" Sora was about to run off when he was stopped by Leon. He released his grip on Sora.

"Uhh, no son. You DON'T want to do that," Leon said, without a hint of emotion in his voice.

"You must keep this a secret. It brings shame upon our mother company, Squaresoft, to have homosexual relationships between two heroes. And you must realize, this is far more than just a relationship," Cloud said. 

"Okay!" Sora said brightly. Cloud and Leon looked at one another to judge whether or not his response was genuine or not. But they nodded, and left the stinky sewers with the mangled flowers although the authoress encouraged them to mess with the flowers more (damn you bishies! XD).

Outside was Traverse Town at its best. Moogles were going around everywhere putting decorations and lights on every building in the district. Even the local Heartless were helping around. The delivery moogles were sending out invitations to every world to have more people join the huge party, or preferably called festival. Townspeople were getting a lot of unknown booze out. ^_^.

"Wow! This is great!" Sora exclaimed. He scampered about everywhere with Leon and Cloud's eyes locked on to him afraid that he might cause havoc. Although they didn't show it, they were happy. Aww, what a cute family! Cute gay family, that is! 

Reader: THIS IS BORING! ::Throws shoe at author::

Thanks! I needed new boots anyway.

While looking at all the different kinds liquor and alchoholic stuff there were, Sora spotted Riku going gaga over a female Moogle. 

"Riku!" Riku quickly sucked up his drool and turned to see the person who had been calling him.

"Riku! Riku, Riku, Riku!!!" Sora squealed, tackling/hugging/glomping his friend while doing so. They both fell onto the floor in a certain eyebrows-go-up position. But they were only friends, right? 

"Guess what! Guess what! Guess what!" Sora said excitedly. Riku was equally excited. Excited down under, to be exact. ^_^. 

"Riku, your sword is bothering me!" Sora complained.

"Oh, sorry," Riku put away his albino bat's wing sword.

"No.., not that one…," Sora muttered. But he ignored 'it'. Tee hee!

"So, what's up?" Riku asked. Sora pointed at the two bishonen that had been following him. 

"They're my parents!" At this, all the townspeople turned around to stare at Cloud and Leon. They were stunned. And so were Cloud and Leon.

"No! This was supposed to be an ultra-secret-fact that no Kingdom Hearts people were to know! How could Sora tell everyone that we are his PARENTS?!" Cloud LOUDLY exclaimed. Leon scowled at Cloud's stupidity, almost equivalent to Sora's and groaned loudly. They both fainted. Riku and Sora were too busy making out to care (-_-). Only one annoying lady seemed to notice the falls.

"Both Leon and Cloud fainted! I MUST take them to my home to 'heal' them," Aerith, with unknown strength, dragged both full-grown men into her home to use 'magical powers' on. And just then did someone make a flashy entrance by summoning several huge meteors. The meteors killed many townspeople, and one of them was the goddamn ancient. Only the pink dress and ribbon were the last remains of the Cetra.

"Yay! I'm here for the party!" a man exclaimed, gently floating down on his one wing. He landed softly and clapped his hands together. "Now, where's the booze?" Scary Latin music sounding awfully like the gothic remix of Jingle Bells started playing.

The silver-haired man turned around to see many barrels of booze. He joyfully glided there and started drinking up barrels by the second. People were worried he was going to drink all the booze up.

Cloud, half-awake from his unconcsiousness and talked in a hoarse voice "Sephiroth has an interminable thirst disease..," and then he fainted again. No one dared to stop the one winged angel.

He was just too beautiful to stop watching. Sora and Riku were their only hope, but they were still making out and even going 'beyond'. O_o;;

Just when everybody thought there was no hope, Ansem popped out of nowhere and landed on Sephiroth. That is, the WRONG way. Ansem sat on top of Sephiroth's body. White hair with silver hair bishie??? Oh boy! This is some fun!!!

"Ah ha ha~! I will kill you with the power of darkness..," Ansem's voice started lowering when he saw Sephiroth's face. He was….pretty! The mage started blushing furiously. "Agh dammit! I hate it when I have to kill pretty people like you." Sephiroth was dearly confused.

"Oh well," Ansem licked his lips and smiled as his face got closer to Sephiroth's. Sephy's eyes widened as the other man's lips were getting closer to his.

"EEP!" A girly shrill escaped Sephiroth's before Ansem 'went in for the kill'. Poor Sephiroth died automatically. After some time, Ansem got up and laughed.

"Muahahahahah! The power of darkness is truly great! It can even kill beautiful men! Ahahahahahahahaha!" Ansem exclaimed. The people cheered him on for he saved the day (and the much needed booze). He bowed and disappeared.

Sora got up from Riku's chest. "What was that?" 

"Nothing, Sora. Go back to sleep," and Sora went back to sleep, indeed, on Riku's body, much to SoKairi fans' disgust.

~

"So did you kill him?" Kairi asked the returning Ansem. He got up slowly.

"Yep! I killed the silver haired guy! Just like you asked, Master!" Ansem said. "But you never told me he had one black wing!" 

"Riku didn't have a black wing the last time I saw him…," Kairi muttered as she took a sip of her lemonade.

"Riku? Oh no, the guy I killed was, I think, Sephiroth," Kairi spit out all her lemonade ("You are wasting many lemons, Master!") onto Ansem's face. 

"WHAT?! You were supposed to kill Riku!!!" Kairi screamed her almightiest at him. This broke another three of Maleficient's stain-glass windows. Maleficient burst into sobs as the glass shattered.

"But, but, but! Master! You should have told me his name!!!" Ansem innocently replied with the lemon juice still dripping from his tanned face. Kairi shot him a death glare. 

"IF YOU WERE SMART ENOUGH TO REMEMBER NAMES, I WOULD HAVE DONE THAT YOU FOOL!" Kairi yelled. Ansem just frowned and wiped away all the saliva Kairi spit into his face.

"Ugh!" Kairi screamed. She took a swig of her drink. "But was Sora there, though?" 

"Yes, he was on top of another guy with silver hair. I think they were doing each other," Kairi spit out another globful of spit and lemonade ("Master! Think of all these lemons you are wasting!") onto poor Ansem's face.

"YOU! GO THERE AND KILL RIKU NOW!" Kairi screamed with her now hoarse voice. 

"Yes, master," Ansem turned to leave, but he stopped and looked at Kairi. "But can I have the rest of your lemonade before I go?" Kairi handed the glass over to Ansem. He downed the whole thing.

"Ewe! They taste like you!" 

Ansem left Hollow Bastion with a broken leg and arm .

****

Whoo. That seemed like the longest chapter I've ever made. Well, please read and review! The more reviews I get, the more fast I update. Not that anybody cares…O_O


	6. Bunnies

Chapter Six: Bunnies

I think I may have some evil liking for this fic. The character bashing is always fun! :3 Thank you peoplez for all the support! I always love it! ^_^. And someone asked if Ansem would match with Sephiroth.

Well, well, we'll never know until we ask the master of darkness, Ansem himself, right?

Ansem: I so do NOT like Sephiroth! No matter how hot, buff, beautiful, and downright sexy he is!

MiakaKiller: Suuuuure~ ::Takes out Sephy plushie doll::

Ansem: Waah! Surge attack!!! ::Grabs crotch and runs to the men's room::

Sure showed how much he cared! O_O;; Back to nonsense fiction! 

****

"Hey Riku, look!" Sora yelled as he pointed at a 100% neon lighted sign that said 'Strip Club'. It had a nice figure of a girl squeezing her goods. _

Riku just stared. "Sora, this if for people older than us..," he went off.

"Who cares?! I wanna know what's inside!" Sora whined.

"NO," Riku firmly said.

"But I wanna know! I wanna! I wanna! I wannaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa~!" By this time, Sora had already fallen to the floor, rolling and screaming tantrums like a 4-year-old. He was creating such a racket that a whole crowd of townspeople were pointing (bad) fingers at Riku. Riku, obviously not used to being in the public and insulted so much at this rate, screamed out loud.

"OKAY! WE'LL GO TO THE GODDARNED STRIP CLUB!!!" As soon as Riku said it, Sora neatly flopped back onto his feet and smiled. The townspeople sighed as they left. It was not unusual that minors would go and visit strip clubs.

Riku and Sora stepped in to a loud and noisy room full of "enlightened" men. They were dancing around with panties on their heads and booze in their cups. And the worst of it all was that the ones entertaining them were the Princesses of Heart.

It was apparent that after placing roles in Kingdom Hearts, they found no source of income so had work for the only thing they had: a body. 

And to think I used to liked Sleeping Beauty…

"Dude, this place is a bunch of…," Riku went off and panicked as he saw that Sora was no longer at his side. "Sora, Sora? Oh my god, with him and his lack of common sense…, and a room full of pervy old men…, where is he…, oh dear…," Riku had started stuttering and shook so much that he bumped into a man next to him.

"Oh, aren't you a pretty one?" Said the dirty old man. He grabbed Riku by the arms. "Pretty tight too. You'd make a good strip girl!" As he said this, he threw our boy onto the stage where the princesses of heart dragged the reluctant Riku backstage where he could be 'prepared' for entertainment.

After many moments of suspense and hormone stimulations, Riku had finally been pushed back onstage with a….playboy outfit?! Riku, obviously the manly boy he was, tried not to show his overdeveloped muscles in the tight suit. It was all futile, he knew. One man in the back catcalled. Riku swore his death would come upon in 24 hours.

"Hey buff chick! Show us what you've got!" A man yelled. Riku blushed insanely.

"I am NOT A BUFF CHICK!" Riku hollered. "I am a boy! A man! Can't you see I lack breasts?" And Riku touched his chest, only to find lumps of squishy things. While he was forcefully getting dressed, someone put rolls of padding on his chest area.

"Yeah, Riku's not a buff chick!" A familiar voice argued. It was none other than Sora! After being in a place full of strange people for so long, Riku was glad to see Sora again. Sora got up to the stage and pointed at Riku's bottom. "He's a bunny!" His bunny suit had led Sora to a conclusion that Riku indeed was a rabbit. Poor Riku. ^^;;

Roars of laughter filled the room. Riku was carried offstage by hand where everybody touched one or more of Riku's 'parts' ("Hey, man. She really is a guy!") and such. Riku and Sora exited the club. Riku buried his face in his hands (with his clothes mysteriously changed back).

"Now I'll never lose my virginity to a person I love," Riku muttered, although technically, he really didn't lose his virginity at all. 

Sora slapped Riku's ass. "It's okay. I still love you." 

Riku rubbed his ass. Ow.

~

After the funeral of Aerith (in which no one attended) and Sephiroth (where many Sephy fans cursed the author for being so mean to him), Cid rubbed his belly and groaned.

"Agh. I've gots to get me some tighter belt," Cid tried to push down his bloating abdomen, but it was of no use. He sauntered up the stairs of First District and entered the store only to be chased out by the crazy dreadlock person muttering strange, incoherent French. While running out, he dropped his one and only cigarette that kept him sane from Final Fantasy 7 through Kingdom Hearts. So now, he wasn't sane.

"AAAH! CURSE YOU FRENCH IMBECILE!!! YER NOT EVEN FRENCH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!! WHO THE HELL GAVE YOU THE PERMISSION TO LIVE IN MY HOUSE, er, I mean, STORE!!! AND-"

"Hey mister. Can you give me a quarter?" Interrupted/asked the orphan boy who looked awful lot like Tidus with brown hair. Maybe he was his long lost twin brother (XD).

"Oh? You want a quarter boy? Well, follow me and I'll give you LOTS of quarters..," and so Cid dragged the brunette version of Tidus to the abandoned house in Third District. 

Eep. 

~

"Daddy!" Sora exclaimed, running towards his parents.

"Sora!" Both Cloud and Leon went, not knowing which 'daddy' Sora was referring to.

"I'm the dad," Leon said. "You gave birth to him, Cloud." Cloud ran up to Sora and scowled at Leon.

"Well I'm the one holding him," said Cloud, as a matter-of-fact. He turned to his son. "Whatcha do today?"

Sora grinned. "Riku took me to a strip club!" Riku slapped his forehead. No way with Sora's lack of decent sense was he going to get on Cloud's good side. But luckily for him, Cloud just smiled.

"Did you have fun there? See a lot of girls?"

"Um. Kind of. Riku dressed up as a bunny!" Riku slapped his forehead again. This was going nowhere.

"A, a bunny?" Cloud asked, confused.

"Yeah! Like the costumes girls wear in Playboy!" Riku sat squatted in a corner, humming the tune of 'Ode to Joy' absentmindedly. Cloud, becoming uncomfortable, changed subjects.

"You look so like me, you are so cute!" Cloud cuddled with Sora before turning to look at frowning Leon. "What are you, jealous?"

Leon looked away. "That's Leon…," Cloud sweat dropped. So after all, Sora's simple minded-ness didn't all come from Cloud. Sora looked at his 'other' father.

"Dad, how come you changed your name to Leon?" Sora asked. Leon cocked his head toward Sora.

"Well, if Squaresoft knew Cloud and I were having s-, I mean, getting married, I needed to change my name so they won't recognize it was Squall from FF8 getting married to Cloud from FF7," Leon explained.

"The why would you change your name to 'Leon'? I mean, it's basically the same as your last name. They can recognize you immediately, more faster than if you left your name as Squall," Sora said. 

Leon grabbed his long hair and tried pulling it out. "Why does everybody tell me that?!" He screamed until he noticed how out-of-character he was and calmed down. "Yeah, and Cloud had to change his clothes to be not identified." He pointed at Cloud's cape-like thing.

"Yeah. I stole this from Vincent while we were in the Hot Springs--" Cloud covered his mouth as Leon looked at him with surprise. Not a good surprise, though.

"You went to the hot springs with Vincent?! Not me?!" Leon started packing things up.

"Wait, Squ--I mean, Leon. I can explain." Without further notice, Leon simply stuck his gun blade in Cloud's chest. Cloud fell over with blood squirting all around him.

"You.., traitor!!! I'll never sleep with you again!!!" As Leon turned around to leave, he bumped into a tree. After recovering from the fall, he crashed into a brick wall that caused the scar on his forehead to grow even deeper. "I'll never remove that sword until you apologize!!!" After tripping over Donald Duck, Leon made an exit.

"B-but, Leon.., how do I apologize with t-t-t-his on…," Cloud died. Temporarily.

Sora looked at Riku. "My parents are WEIRD."

Indeed, Riku thought.

~

"Did you, did you kill him???" Kairi asked Ansem ferverently as he returned to Hollow Bastion.

"Master, that Riku person is, indeed, strange! He talked to me in a fake Jamaican accent and had flaming orange hair!" Ansem replied. 

"Strange.., Riku never spoke in a Jamaican accent.., not that he ever would..," Kairi pondered for a moment. "Orange hair? Did he dye his hair?"

"Yes, he also muttered strange noises when he hit me with beach balls." After thirty seconds of silence, Kairi whapped the poor guy's head.

"Ouch. Master, it takes me 40 minutes every morning to get my hair up in this position..," Ansem said as he smoothed out his gel-y hair. He looked at himself in his pocket mirror before crouching to hear Kairi's orders again. Kairi simply took the mirror and broke it on Ansem's head.

"Ouch. Master, that is seven years of bad luck for you!" 

"You've killed someone else. His name is Wakka, a foreign exchange student on our islands. I remember he was quite dirty…"

"Really? Cool! I killed someone else!" Ansem patted himself on the back (as along with Darkie) for killing someone else. Kairi sat back in her chair and just groaned. Why was this guy so goddamn stupid? 

"Look, this time, I'll go with you so you'll know which one is Riku so you can kill him. Okay? Now, carry me on your back!" 

"Sorry, master. Darkie says he can't accept that." Ansem said.

"What?! That creature?" Kairi asked.

"Yes. He says you are too ugly." Kairi sighed. Was being ugly a sin? She put on a paper bag with eye holes in it.

"I can still see you~!" Kairi whapped his head and Ansem left HB in a portal, humming the Gummy Ship theme along the way.

"Agh! That hurts my ears!"

****

I ended off quite weirdly, sorry. But don't I always do that? XD. Please please review. More reviews make me more happy.

Anybody seen Ashton from Star Ocean Ex? He's that Ryuichi looking guy with the two dragons on his back. Quite hyper, the guy. Ansem reminds me of him! ^_^. And the best is that Seki Tomakazu does his voice. Ahh~he's my savior!


	7. Bathroom Journey

Chapter Seven: Bathroom Journey

This is a re-make for my STUPID COMPUTER DID NOT SAVE THE FIRST DRAFT RIGHT. UGH!!! Don't blame me if it doesn't make any sense. I REWROTE THIS IN RAGE.

Enough of my anger. How do you guys like this fiction so far? Judging from my reviews, the top three most used adjectives are "insane", "homosexual", and "hilarious". ::Smiles:: Thanks guys!

****

Sora carefully examined the cut on his mother/father's chest. Sora, then gathered up the courage to place his clown shoes on Cloud's yummy six-pack to steady himself as he tried to pull the gun blade out. 

Sora tried and tried, but the gun blade refused to budge, obviously satisfied with its new victim. He gave up and plopped his ass on the ground.

"It's no use…" Sora said, looking at his hands. The blisters had popped up through blisters, and the bumps clearly showed through his white gloves. He sighed as he laid his aching head onto his blister-unaffected wrists. Riku looked at his best friend with pure pity.

"Sora…" Riku began, but he was interrupted by a certain person with certain motives. Oh wait, make that persons.

"Ahahaha! At last, I have found you Riku!" A small figure with a paper bag for a head with crudely shaped holes for eyes appeared on the pooped-out Ansem and his pet, Darkie.

"Aah!!" Sora yelled as he glomp/choked Riku. "It's the boogie man!" Sora hid his face in Riku's shoulders while squeezing the life out of him.

"What?! How dare you mistake my sexual class Sora!" She glared evilly at the suffocating Riku. She jumped off of Ansem and pointed at him. "You will die for putting homosexual influence on my guy!"

The poor Ansem fell over to his side with a sigh of relief after having the bulky load off of him. His five seconds of bliss was shattered when Kairi started yelling and breaking glass.

"Ansem! Go kill him!!!" She hollered, shaking her tiny fists with fury. Ansem gave her the "lazy eye" and rolled back over on his side as small Z's popped out in Arial font. Kairi's wine-colored hair turned into Hades' flames as her anger meter started filling up.

'Now's our chance Sora', was what Riku wanted to say, but since he was being choked to death, it came out more like "Nao owr chaz tsoreh!"

"What Riku? You have to do Number Two? Ok, I'll take you to the potty!" With these encouraging words, Sora lifted up the gagging Riku and scuttled away. Upon seeing those two run away, Kairi reached her limit break/trance/overdrive and cast her special move: Shriek.

****

"ANSEM~!!!!!! GO KILL RIKU!!!!! NOW!!!!" Her voice rumbled and quaked Traverse town with the force of 5,000,000 Super Novas. It broke all windows and collapsed houses and this of course, was a direct hit to Ansem who was lying down only two feet away from her. Ansem stood up in a craze and kept frantically hitting his ears like a sea lion in distress.

"Mwaargh! My ears!!! I can't hear!!! It's all gone~!!!" He began flopping around like the evil Magikarp he was until Kairi whacked him. Being in her Anger mode, her hit did twice the damage and had Ansem reeling over the remains of Aerith's apparel.

"Ewe. Smells like fresh onions…" Ansem muttered as he tossed Aerith's dress away with utter disgust. He rubbed his nose in crucial pain. He then looked into angrified Kairi's paper bag face. 

"Aaah! Aah! I shall go kill Riku right away master!" The mage hastily bowed as he clambered off into to Riku and Sora's direction. Kairi then started wheezing.

"Stupid asthma…"

"Hey, little girl. Do you need an inhaler?" Said a middle-aged man we all know about. Kairi nodded.

"Well then, follow me and I'll give you lots of inhalers…" And he took Kairi to a place where no children would want to go: the abandoned house in Third District!

~

"Riku here! There's the bathroom!" Sora yelled. He pushed his friend in. "Now hurry up and go poo." Riku sweat dropped.

"Well, I guess I can explore this place…." Exploring is what Riku had in mind, but it was more like nostril torture. The previous entrance made by Cid had still left a decent amount of putrid odor that made Riku squeeze his nose until no air could get through. With the booze party going on, there were hurlers on every urinal and stall.

"Agh.., this is sick…" Riku muttered, muffled with his gloved hands on his face. He cautiously walked on until he saw a stall with an open door. Just as he reached to it, he peered in.

"My god!!!" Riku backed up so suddenly that he slipped over the greasy surface of the restroom's floor and fell on his tushie. There was a person in the stall, and it was Leon. After the ungraceful fall, Riku got up stiffly with his eyes fixed on Leon.

"L-L-Leon! What are you doing here?" Asked Riku, his voice and face faltering between being alarmed and afraid. Leon looked up. His face was a total mess; there were purple, droopy bags under his eyes, his eyelids were puffy and red, and his pale face along with the mountains of used tissue suggested that he had been crying.

"R-Riikuuuuu~!!! Cloud ditched me for Vincent~~~!!!!" With these blubberings, Leon held Riku and started sobbing hysterically into the boy's pants. Riku, taken aback by Leon's sudden loss in manliness just stood, too shocked to move. 

Leon let go of Riku and started blowing his nose hard. "I'm sorry, Riku. It's just that…" He started weeping again.

"I wear these SEXY pants and grow my hair out LONG to make Cloud more attracted to me!!!! But no~ he goes for that freak-vampire!!!" Leon then began squeaking out incomprehensible words while flooding his face with tears. After awhile, he regained his audible voice.

"What is it that Cloud wants? Am I not HOT enough? Are these pants not tight enough to show my muscular legs? Damn it!!! You know how much of a wedgie I'm getting right now???" On cue, something went snap. "OWWWW!!!! @#$%^&*!!!! Curse those G-string!!!!" 

"Leon, calm down. Cloud may not have meant to be with Vincent. I mean, look at *out there*. There are many sick people who wish to pair us up with others of the same sex, especially your BEST FRIEND." Riku stated, putting extreme emphasis on the end. The authoress was apparently not taking note.

"Oh you mean *them*," Leon said, wiping off the last of his tears. After Riku's prep talk, he looked a bit relieved.

"Well, I take your word for it Riku. I'll go apologize to Cloud right now. Bye!" Leon then ran off, trailing a bit of tissue paper on his shoes. Riku was amazed to see how fast Leon's mood changed and disappointed at the same time to know how much of Sora's simplicity came from him. He left the public restroom, shaking his hair as he went.

"Riku! You didn't take half as long as I expected!" Sora cried, getting Riku's glare in reply. Riku opened his mouth to say something, but noticed that his best friend was much more engrossed on the dark area of his pants.

'Shoot!' Riku thought to himself. 'Leon's tears left a wet spot on my pants! What's Sora going to think now?' He started panicking.

"Riku?" Riku jumped up slightly at the sound of Sora's pre-puberty voice. "Are you house breaken?" Riku thought for awhile before answering.

"House breaken??? Umm……oh. You mean house BROKEN." Riku wrinkled his nose in disgust. "Sora, that's a term used for ANIMALS." 

"Still! It's only if you don't pee properly that you get that wet spot on your pants. Here, Riku. Watch how I do it." Sora said as he started to unzip his pants to show Riku how to excrete excessive liquid in a human body. Riku eyes widened.

"Aah! My virgin eyes! Stop Sora! I feel the hormones coming!!! The HORMONES!!!" Riku yelled, covering his eyes and running away. While running, he bumped into something hard. He looked up to see Ansem.

"Bwahahahaha! What a surprise, Riku!" Ansem said, smiling slightly. "Now my job will be easier in finishing you off!" Ansem raised his hands to cast a spell but Sora covered for Riku.

"Stop! You can't eat Riku! I won't let you!" Riku was touched by this moment. Sora, caring enough for Riku to protect him? To Riku's horror, the 'hormones' came back.

"Oh? So you are defending for someone who turned against you?" Ansem said.

"Stop trying to use the past as an excuse! I know that you possessed Riku when he turned against me! Stupid!" Sora bravely said. Riku stifled a laugh. The whole pot calling the kettle black business was going on. Ansem ignored the last comment.

"Whatever floats your boat. With, or without my master's orders, I will make you two succumb to the darkness!!!" Ansem started hovering lightly with the 'powers of darkness' orbs surrounding him.

"Fine! Bisexual freak!" Ansem's spell stopped midway, in him blushing furiously.

"Aargh!!! I am not a BISEXUAL FREAK!!!! Why does everyone call me that?!?! Just because I'm a comical clone of Sephiroth does not suggest any changes in my officially stated gender!!! Keep my sexuality out of this!!!" After that, that battlefield was silent. Riku, safe from being behind his hero, omitted one more thing.

"Pedophile."

"Aaaaargh~!!!!!!!!!"

****

I'm planning to end this soon. Next to the fact I'm losing interest in it, I'm making a new fic called "Ansem's Yaoi Adventure". Yes, it's self-advertisement but it's in my own fiction, so who cares?! If you have spare time when you have really NO NOTHING to do, please read and review it! ^_^;;

I WANT DEVIL MAY CRY 2.


	8. Birds and the Bees

Chapter Eight: Birds and the Bees

Oh dear, I'm getting a wee bit sick of Kingdom Hearts. *Dodges objects thrown at her by KH fanatics* There's always a transition…

And by the way, there was a bit of confusion in the last chapter, where I wrote "Riku omitted pedophile", when I actually meant he "emitted"! ^^;; Gomen nasai…I must have been very silly not to catch that mistake. 

~

"Muahahahahahaha! Now you (two) die!" Ansem then, started chanting in gibberish and BALLS of burning, black fire sprouted out from his snow-white gloves. It started growing at a tremendous rate.

Riku could feel the akuma-ish energy from Ansem from all the way behind Sora. Examining Sora's frail body (bad Riku!), he realized Ansem's powers were far more than the little 14-year-old could handle.

"Sora! We have to get out of here! He's getting way too strong for either of us to fight!" He screamed, amidst the continuous squelching noises of the black fireballs growing in Ansem's hands. Sora looked back apprehensively at his yaoi partner.

"B-But, what do we do?" 

"We run," and with that, the two boys ran off, out of Ansem's limited sight.

"HEY! I didn't finish my Super Duper Fireball attack yet! Come back here~!" Ansem swore in such filthy words, mogs threw bars of soap at him.

"Curses!"

~

The huffing and puffing of the boys could be heard from miles away. Their legs were carrying them as fast as they could run. After awhile, Sora's knees gave in, and tripped flat on his face. Riku halted, glad for the excuse to stop for a moment.

"Whew…that was kinda close…" Riku said, wiping the sweat off his brow. Sora looked around and in seconds, an exclamation mark flashed neon next to him.

"Riku! We're in Third District!" Sora yelled, only to be hushed by the angst-ridden Riku. 

"Quiet Sora! We're in an open place with no protection! Our voices can be heard everywhere!" As he said this, he realized his voice echoed throughout the four corners of the square district. 

"Riku! I hear…NOISES!!!" Sora whisper/screamed. And he was right. Cooing, baby-like noises were coming from behind a fire marked door. The two scrambled towards the door with a strange fire symbol engraved in it.

"Riku, Riku, what should we do?" Sora asked. The silver-haired boy scratched his chin thoughtfully for a moment.

"Uh…Sora, you know fire magic, right?" Sora nodded, somewhat lifelessly. "Then, try using fire on it!" Riku smiled, proud of his ingenious idea.

Sora beamed, and gave a thumbs-up to reassure his friend. The boy turned around sharply, furrowed his brows, and pointed his key (not _that_ key) at the door.

"FIRE!" Sora cried out. With that, the tip of his key blade shone a bright red until forming enough energy to thrust out a small ball of fire. The door gave off clouds of ash after being hit with the fire, and opened automatically. The two boys went in, seeking desperately for shelter.

The cooing noises were even louder now, and both boys wondered what could possibly be making that noise.

"Maybe it's a penguin," Sora suggested, and Riku cried at his stupidity.

Of course, that's a lie, but both pondered what sort of being on the Earth could make that kind of demented noise. After jumping over stones that had a will of its own (and moved swiftly away when Sora tried to step on one), they finally made it to a remote island with a dilapidated house, overrun with rats and other common pests. 

"Phew, it smells like someone took a sh--" Sora quickly shut his mouth. He had forgotten that this was a PG-13 fiction. Riku patted him on the head for his effort. They cautiously entered from the back of the house, instead of just knocking on the door (which would have proved to be an easier task…and less disturbing while we're at that).

A silhouette of a fallen long, crooked tree over a fat slab of stone was dimly visible in the curved walls. Sora fell over a book, and unluckily saw what was actually going on.

"OH MY GOD! THE OLD WIZARD IS EATING THE FAT FAIRY LADY!!!" Sora exclaimed before fainting, plop to the ground. Riku rushed in to see what was happening, only to feel nauseous to see a…a very unsightly scene. Both the wizard and the fairy were without a single piece of clothing, and on top of each other. I cannot go on to more detailed information..

"Alas, is it time for our screen time already?" Asked the fairy godmother. She quickly grabbed her robe and put it around her. The wizard followed soon after. They both looked at the only conscious child in the room: Riku. The poor boy was moving his lips without sound. In his hands lay the dead-faint Sora.

Far away from the house on the island, Ansem was skulking about, looking for traces of Riku and Sora.

"Drat! I knew I should have finished them while I still had the time!" he exclaimed in misery. And then something shiny caught his eye. The man, obviously intrigued, went scurrying over to see what the shiny thing was. Even for a self-proclaimed "master of darkness", he could not resist collecting shiny things. When he found the object, he found that it was a strand of hair, pure metallic-blue silver. 

"Aha! This is the boy, Riku's hair!" he shouted excitedly. He looked up to see a trail of hairs leading to Third District. This road of silver hair puzzled Ansem. Was it that Riku was facing so much stress in one day for a mere 15-year-old can handle that his hair started shedding from the shock as well, or was it that Riku was actually very old (he does have silver hair) and was starting to get a receding hairline? While pondering, he looked at his own hair and dismissed the previous thoughts. 

"First, I will kill the boys, and then worry about my hair." And with that, he left.

~

I had this fic in my folder for a month and forgot to upload it. *Sweatdrops* Well, I hope you like it from the uninspired and uninterested mind of Miaka Killer! ^^;; 


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